Motherhood - Grow up girl, Grow up girl, You are not who I thought that you were - 1
Tinkerbell had taken to pacing back and forth around the small dorm room she shared with two other girls, tiny baby Jude set up on her bed, a barrier of pillows surrounding her like a fluffy fence. She talked to herself too. Well, she talked to Jude, but the baby had no clue what Tinkerbell was saying, so it felt like she was talking to herself.
Every minute she spent with Jude made one thing clearer and clearer in her mind: Tinkerbell Montenegro had no fucking clue what she was doing, or what she was supposed to do.
“So,” She breathed out, but nothing followed. She wished the kid could talk; that would make things so much simpler.
“You look cute in that hat.”
Tinkerbell didn’t use baby talk with Jude. She didn’t use baby talk in general. Baby talk, that shrill voice paired with dumbed-down words meant to make small children giggle, met her ears like the sound nails on a chalk board. It was ridiculous. Babies don’t know what the fuck you’re saying anyway, let alone care about the stupid way you say it.
She also didn’t cuddle. Tinkerbell didn’t even know how to cuddle. She didn’t like people touching her - not to comfort her or encourage her or out of pity or anything - and she didn’t like touching people unless it was to smash in their stupid faces. She was like fire, too dangerous to touch. Touch fire, get burned.
But now there was a little baby in a nest of pillows on her bed and she wasn’t even sure she wanted to pick her up. And that sounded awful, but it was true.
Judith was tiny and soft and delicate. Tinkerbell didn’t know how to handle delicate. She wasn’t used to having to be so careful, like she was handling a bomb or… or a baby.
Tinkerbell had those rough edges that just couldn’t be buffed out.
“At least you aren’t crying, right?”
Tink’s eyes bugged for a minute, her lips pressed firmly together. Jude smiled, but Tink told herself that the tiny girl just had gas.
Yes, this would be difficult.
But possible.
Hopefully.
random post because i’m posting another backstory eventually and feel the need to put them in order for you all since i didn’t post them in order
-
Mockingbird
I’m Not a Thief, I’m a Treasure Hunter
Savior
How to Love 1
How to Love 2
Stereo Hearts
The Only Exception 1
The Only Exception 2
le backstory yet to be finished
Too Little, Too Late
Don’t You Remember
-
~ Don’t You Remember ~ Backstory 10 ~
(Takes place after Too Little, Too Late)
“Come on Jason! Please, just open the door! I just want to talk!”
Tinkerbell dropped her suitcase, letting it clatter on the cement walkway as she pounded on Jason’s front door. She could hear him just beyond the wooden barrier, arguing with his mother about opening the door. His mother won out. The door cracked open.
“What?” His voice lacked all emotion, was bereft of all the tenderness and caring and even sarcasm that she was so used to.
“I need a place to crash.”
Jason cocked an eyebrow at her, opening the door a tad wider. He crossed his arms, leaning on the wooden frame.
“You haven’t spoken to me since February. Do you know how long that is?”
“Jas-.”
“Four months Tinkerbell. Why should I let you in?”
Tinkerbell let out a heavy sigh, fingers combing her hair back and out of her face. Her nervous habit.
“I just need a place to stay for a bit.”
“How long’s a bit?”
“A month, tops.”
“No.”
He moved to close the door again but she stopped him with a hand gripping the wood edge and a foot jammed in the doorjamb. “Please. Look, I won’t bother you, I won’t talk to you. I won’t even be here except to sleep and eat. Just… please. A month, and then I’ll be out of your hair for good.”
She could see Jason struggling with himself, fighting an inner battle; helping his best friend vs. leaving the girl who broke his heart out in the cold.
“I’m getting expelled, alright. I told Dad and we had it out and I can’t go back there.”
“Tinkerbell?” It was Jason’s mother who spoke, both teens whipped there heads around to look at her.
“The guest room is always open to you, you should know that. Jason, move over and let her in.”
Jason tensed, fists and jaw clenching, before he removed himself from blocking the door. Without a word, he disappeared into the kitchen.
“Uh, thanks Tammy. I-I promise I won’t be a bother or anything. I’ll lay low.” Tink heaved a sigh, tearing her eyes away from the door Jason escaped through and picking up her large suitcase. Closing the front door, she started up the steps to the guest room.
“Careful on the stairs, Bell.” Jason spat as he passed her going up to his own room, beer bottle in hand. “We all know how clumsy you are on stairs.”
Why don’t you remember?
Don’t you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby, please remember me once more
~ The Only Exception ~ Part 2 ~ Backstory 9 ~
“Hey! Hey, hey Monti. Whoa, what’s wrong?”
Tink had walked to Jason’s house after her… conversation with her father. She’d decided (after changing her mind about 20 times) that she had to break up with Jason, if only to protect him.
Maybe I know somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
She’d known it was all to good to be true. She’s known that it couldn’t last. Nothing good ever lasted with her. No matter how much Jason swore she deserved good things, she never got them.
“I don’t think I can do this anymore.” She told him, shaking her head as he led her to the living room.
“Do what, Monti? Come on, I need full sentences.”
“I can’t be with you anymore. Not like this. I’m- I can’t do it anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean-! I don’t know what I mean!”
She hung her head, looking even more defeated than she felt. Jason, for once, didn’t hold her.
“Monti, you’re not making any sense.”
“I know. Jason, you’re my best friend. I don’t think I can still see you though, not like this anymore. And I know this sounds… lame as all fuck, but… I want to go back… You were my best friend…”
And we’ve got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face
She needed something to say to him. Lying of course came easy, but he always saw through her lies. She needed to dig deep, hit hard, be as cruel as possible. Pull out that monster buried inside her and let it destroy the one person she cared about.
“Monti, you know-.”
“No! Stop psychoanalyzing me for five fucking seconds, would you! I’m not your patient! I’m not your broken toy that you need to fix! Stop trying to convince me my life isn’t the heaping pile of shit that it is, alright! And if you really love me like you tell me you do, you’ll end this and leave me alone.”
“Tinkerbell-.”
“No. Don’t Tinkerbell me! And stop looking at me like that! You - you’re trying to change me into someone I’m not!”
“How am I-?!”
“Shut up! Do you get it yet, Jason? I’m done… I can’t be your Monti anymore. I’m not her. I’m Tinkerbell. I’m fucked up. There’s nothing you can do about it, so stop trying!”
And I’ve always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable
Distance
He didn’t say anything, just looked at her, his countenance unreadable to Tinkerbell. She didn’t know what he was thinking or how he was feeling for once. And she was pretty sure it worked vice-versa too.
The silence was killing her; it was louder than her screaming. Jason’s eyes dropped to the floor, his lips parted like he wanted to say something but didn’t know what.
And up until now, I swore to myself
That I’m content
With loneliness
She left him there. They couldn’t be together, they couldn’t even be friends, not after that.
She’d just forcibly removed the one person who ever made her feel special from her life.
She was disgusted with herself, of what she’d just done.
Cause none of it was ever worth the risk
Later she’d be disgusted with who she’d become without him.
Tinkerbell Montenegro: heartless, lying bitch. A monster. A nut case. A hopeless wreck. An empty shell of who she once was, if only for a moment.
I’ve got a tight grip on reality, but I can’t
Let go of what’s part of me here.
I know you’re leaving in the morning, when you wake up,
Leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream…
Oh…
~ The Only Exception ~ Part 1 ~ Backstory 8 ~
“I’ll see ya tomorrow Monti.”
Tinkerbell smiled, nodding her head excitedly before kissing Jason goodbye and stepping out of his car.
He’d taken her back to New York for her eighteenth birthday, saying he was making it a tradition and she’d better get used to it. She said she’d just get used to it, easily.
Now it was January 31st, 2011, the morning of Tinkerbell’s eighteenth birthday and she was just making it back from her secret trip. Her world crashed when she realized her father was sitting in the living room, waiting for her.
Fuck.
“Hi Daddy.”
He gave her a stern look, not wasting time or energy with pointless pleasantries. “Where were you, Bell?”
“Mandy’s house. I told you that yesterday.”
“Don’t lie to me Bell.” She hated how he saw right through her – and he always saw right through her. “Why was Jason dropping you off?”
“I needed a ride.”
“From where?”
Lie. Lie, lie, lie, lie, LIE!
“We went to New York again.”
Idiot.
“You and Jason?”
“Yeah.”
There was silence, Tinkerbell’s father glaring heavily at her and Tink keeping her mouth shut for once.
Almost.
“Dad, I’m eighteen. I can-.”
“Shut up Bell.” He growled, and Tink saw the pent up rage flash in his eyes. She closed her mouth. “You are my daughter. You report to me. You are not allowed to go anywhere without asking me! Especially not with that Jason boy!”
“Dad-.”
“No! You listen to me Tinkerbell Montenegro. You are still my daughter, and I am still in charge of you. You and that stupid boy have gotten far too comfortable with each other.”
“We’re just friends!” She knew it was the farthest thing from the truth in the world, and just by saying it, she’d told her father all he needed know, all she’d tried to keep from him.
“How long has it been going on?”
“No, Dad, we’re not-!”
“SIT DOWN!”
She took a deep breathe through her nose and followed orders, taking a seat on the sofa and across from the armchair her father no longer occupied.
“Now, how long has it been going on, you and Jason?”
“We’ve been dating for a year.”
He huffed, towering over her as she sat, hunched over and defeated, on the sofa.
“A year. Well then, I’ve let this go on long enough. End it.”
“What? No!”
“Tinkerbell, you are not allowed to see that boy anymore, do you understand? Maybe if you actually did anything you’re supposed to, I might let you. But no, not with your grades in the toilet, you sneaking out at night to go to parties and wearing less clothes than a stripper and you in the fucking principal’s office every other fucking day and getting in fights-!”
“One! And it wasn’t even really a fight-!”
“I AM TALKING! You’re a mess! You should be focusing on finding some college that will take you, and making something of your stupid self, not your little lover boy! Understand?”
She hadn’t noticed she was crying until she was wiping her cheeks free of mascara dirtied tears. “Dad-.”
“This stops. You hear me? As of now! Or else.”
It was the ‘or else’ that stuck in her mind. She knew Mitchel Montenegro didn’t bluff, didn’t make petty threats. He made dark promises, and he came through.
“Fine.”
“Good. I have work. Go to your room. I don’t want to see you when I get home, either.”
When I was younger I saw
My daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore
That she would
Never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I’d never sing of love
If it does not exist…
~ Stereo Hearts ~ Backtory 7 ~
A continuation of How To Love
They ended up walking around Times Square and picking up Starbucks, holding hands, smoking cigarettes, and sharing kisses all the while. It was 1 am when they final made their way to the apartment that Jason’s brother had leant them for the night.
“There’s a fire escape!” Tink grinned, stepping onto the metal and hopping a bit. “You know I love fire escapes. God, and the view!”
Jason grinned too, dropping his coat by the door and going to sit by the window that led to the fire escape. “Yep, now come inside. You need sleep before you jump off of the freakin’ fire escape.” He laughed, taking her hand and leading her back inside. Tink pulled off her coat and tossed it on top of his, throwing her overnight bag towards the bedroom.
“I want to live in New York.” She told him, curling up on the couch, still looking out the window. “All the people, the lights, the excitement, the freedom! How can anyone not love New York?”
Jason smiled, sitting next to her and placing the slightest kiss on her lips. Tink smiled brightly again, as bright as the city lights, before continuing.
“I will live in New York. I’ll get out of that stupid house and away from my stupid family and live up here. It’s far enough away, plus there are tons of people. I’ll just blend in. It’ll be like playing ‘Where’s Waldo?’ He won’t be able to find me.”
Jason frowned. He didn’t want Tinkerbell worrying about her father right now. It was her birthday. She deserved cake and balloons and candles and presents wrapped in layers of paper with bows. She deserved a father that treated her right and a mother that wasn’t catatonic.
“I’m pretty sure that even in a New York crowd, you’ll still stand out. You’re perfect freaking smile is brighter than the lights. Not to mention your hair,” He ran his fingers through the once again long locks. He’d missed her long hair during the few months it was short, and was overjoyed when she’d gotten extensions. Her hair was one of those perfect little things that made her Tinkerbell. He knew she had missed her hair too. He knew everything about her.
Tinkerbell leaned over to kiss him. It was soft at first, gentle and loving, but Tink was still Tink, and she made sure to turn the heat up. She was on his lap in seconds, cupping his face and pressing her lips to his urgently. His hands where gripping her thin hips tightly, holding her against him.
She hadn’t expected it when he pulled away.
“Come on, it’s one in the morning and it’s your birthday. It’s time to sleep.”
“Oh really?” She smirked, a mischievous glint in her clear blue eyes.
“No, really. Monti, it’s your bedtime.”
“My bedtime?”
“Yes.”
“Not yours too?”
“No, it’s my couch time, seeing as how I’m sleeping out here. You however are in the bedroom.”
She stared at him, mouth open and eyes wide.
“Are you fucking serious? D-Don’t I get a birthday present?”
“Monti, I brought you to New York, gave you booze on the train, gave you more booze which you mixed in your coffee, gave you 5 packs of Marlboro 100’s, and told you I’m in love with you. None of that counted as a present to you, huh?”
She still looked at him as if he had three heads or just said Justin Beiber was cute and made good music. Crazy.
“I’ve had sex before.” She blurted out.
“I know.” He laughed.
“Lots of times.” She wasn’t lying.
“I know, you’ve told me.”
Her face somehow looked even more confused.
“And you’ve had sex.”
“Oh yeah!” Jason laughed.
“Tons of times!” Tink added loudly, and she couldn’t help but laugh too.
“You make me sound like a slut.”
“You are one, shit head.”
They laughed for a while, they couldn’t help it. They laughed until they couldn’t anymore, until their faces hurt from smiling and they couldn’t breathe. She was still on his lap and he was still looking at her like she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
“So what’s the problem then?”
“Oh, there’s no problem.” His tone was light and she grew confused again.
“Then why can’t you fuck me?” She hadn’t meant it to come out that way, but couldn’t be bothered with the wording at the time.
“Oh, I can. I can take you into that room and fuck you through the mattress right now if that’s what you want.”
“Trust me, that’s what I want!”
“But you won’t learn anything if I do that.”
He gave her another gentile kiss, cupping her face, his touch feather light, as if she was made of porcelain and he was afraid she would break. His hands left her face and gripped her thighs, lifting her up with him and supporting her weight as he carried her to the bedroom, still kissing her softly.
He perched her on the bed and pulled back.
“Alright Monti, listen up because this is where I impart my wisdom on you.”
Tink rolled her eyes. “Oh yay, I get birthday wisdom and no sex.”
Jason chuckled. “Hush. Now you, Monti, you’re a special girl, and you’re a smart girl, but you’re also damaged, and not how you’re thinking right now. You’ve been brainwashed into thinking you get what you get, that you’re only worth a quick fuck at a party, that you deserve taking a glass bottle to the head for speaking up. But Monti, you’re better than that. Yeah, yeah, you’ve fucked up a couple times-“
“Oh thanks.”
“But you are the most worthy person on the planet. You should be cherished, loved, treated like the little fucking rock princess you are. But you aren’t, not by the people who should treat you that way, at least. You are by me though, and I’ve got a reputation to keep up. Get it Monti?”
“Is this your long winded way of saying you’re willing to not have sex with me, even though you’re pound-nails hard right now, to prove that you love me and want to ‘treat me right’ because that’s how I should be, but am not, treated?”
“See Monti, what you just said was a tad long winded too, if you ask me. And you forgot the bit where you need to stop thinking you’re not worthy of something like this and raise your bar a bit. Just because one person treats you like shit doesn’t mean you are shit.”
“Are you done now?”
“Do you get it yet?”
“Yeah, I’m fabulous and you love me.”
“Sure, sum it up like that.”
Tinkerbell shook her head at him. “You realize all this you-willing-to-not-have-sex-with-me noble shit plus the witty banter only makes me want to do it more, right?”
“Alright. But then it’s not gonna be just sex.”
“Oh god, he’s noble and fluffy!”
“Monti.”
She was surprised by his self-control, because she wasn’t kidding earlier when she’d said he was hard. But he had her fixed with that intense look now. Classic Jason look. Classic ‘be-serious-for-a-second-and-get what-I’m-trying-to-pound-into-your-thick-head’ Jason look.
“I don’t deserve all this. I don’t deserve you.”
“Give me one good, one really fucking good reason why not.”
She didn’t have one, for once.
“Go to sleep Monti.”
“Make love to me. Because then it’s not just sex, is it? It’s so much more, isn’t it? So, make love to me, Jason. It is my birthday after all, and I deserve someone who loves me as much as you do, if only for tonight.”
Her voice was a whisper, not even that it was so soft, and Jason was surprised she could pack all of her sarcasm and sexy voice and irresistible Tinkerbell-ness into the barely audible words. He smiled again, his Jason smile that made her smile too, tongue darting out to wet his lips before he pressed a kiss to hers.
“My pleasure.”
My heart’s a stereo
It beats for you, so listen close
Hear my thoughts in every note
Make me your radio
And turn me up when you feel low
This melody was meant for you
Just sing along to my stereo
~ How To Love ~ Part 2 ~ Backstory 6 ~
“I’m kidnapping you. Be there in ten. Pack a bag.”
Tinkerbell made a face at her phone, one of those ‘What the fuck are you talking about Jason?’ faces that he’d have smiled at if they weren’t on the phone.
“But my dad-.”
“I know. Be a good girl and ask very nicely if you can sleep over a friend’s house.”
“The night before my birthday?”
“Yep.”
He hung up on her, and she had no choice but to pluck up her courage and ask her father before he was too wasted to even remember her name.
“Daddy?”
“What Bell?”
Tink cringed.
“Uh, this girl uh, Mandy invited me and a bunch of other girls over her house tonight for a sleepover.”
“You’re turning seventeen, aren’t you a bit old for sleepovers?”
There was silence as he looked at her, and she gulped.
“Can I please go?”
She was thankful when he nodded, waving a hand for her to leave him be, and she gladly did.
Two hours and train ride later, Tinkerbell found herself in New York City. It was her birthday present from Jason – a trip, an escape, if only for a night. His older brother had an apartment in the city and had offered it to them.
“New York.” Tink couldn’t help but smile as she spun around, taking in how the bright lights shone against the dark of the night sky.
“Happy Birthday Monti.”
Tinkerbell beamed at him, nothing but smiles. “That’s not till tomorrow, but thank you.” She gave him a tight hug. “I can’t believe you did this for me.”
Jason hugged her back even tighter, scoffing softly and rolling his eyes. “No shit I did it for you, Monti. You’re my best friend, it’s your seventeenth birthday – this is the least I could do.”
She pulled back to look at his eyes, a small smile on her lips as her head tilted ever so slightly to the side.
“No, the least you could do is nothing.”
He rolled his eyes again.
“Well, you deserve the best.” His hand nudged her shoulder lightly before hesitantly reaching to hold her hand. She looked down at their joined hands with big eyes before looking back up to his. “You’re beautiful.”
This caused her to gasp quietly. No one ever called her beautiful, except Jason. But he never said it while looking at her like that.
Like she was the only girl in the world.
“I love you, Monti-Tinkerbell. Like, really love you.”
That was the first time she’d heard those words in years. It was a sad fact, but true.
“I love you too.”
That was the first time she’d spoken those words in years.
And he kissed her. It was a moment she wished could last forever, because it was the first time she felt completely happy, whole, and loved in years.
Oooh,
See I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
Yeah
And I want you to know, you’re far from the usual
Far from the usual
You see you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
~ How To Love ~ Part 1 ~ Backstory 5 ~
December, New Year’s Eve, exactly one month before Tinkerbell turns 15. She was sitting on Jason’s couch like usual, flipping through channels on his tv. She didn’t want to go home; her dad had stocked up on vodka the night before.
“I’m bored!” She declared loudly, tossing the remote at his chest as he came in from the kitchen, hotdog in hand. Jason rolled his eyes at her and passed over the hotdog. Tink gave his a look, with one brow lifted high and her nose crinkling like she’d smelled something bad. “What’s this?”
Jason held back a smile, licking his lips and shaking his head. “Really Monti,” She grinned at the nickname he’d given her; a spin-off of her last name, Montenegro. “How long has it been since you’ve looked at food? We call this ahot-dog.” He sounded condescending and sarcastic and Tink slapped his shoulder.
“No shit, but why are you giving it to me?”
“When was the last time you ate more than a stick of celery and peanut butter?”
She didn’t answer.
“Exactly,” he said, very matter-of-factly. “So eat it. And in an hour we’ll order pizza and you have to eat at least 2 slices and keep them down.” Tink glared at him, but the boy just smiled back cockily.
While they were eating pizza, Jason took a chance and casually asked why Tinkerbell didn’t eat.
“Mom said my jeans were getting too small.”
“That’s called growing, Monti. Just get some new pants next time.”
You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
The next time Tinkerbell came to school with a serious injury was February 5th, just a few days after she’d turned 15. She had stiches, a few on her forehead and more that followed into her hair, and her arm was in a sling. She avoided Jason like the plague. If it was the 1400’s, she’d of been one of the first to die of the plague.
“Monti! Tinkerbell, stop!”
Jason cornered her outside the cafeteria, the one place Tink figured he wouldn’t look. Smart bastard.
“Tell me what happened.”
“Leave me alone.”
“No.”
“It was a car wreck.”
“I drove past your house this morning; the truck’s fine!”
She figured he wouldn’t buy any of the other lies she’d come up with, so she fed him the oldest one in the book. “I fell down the stairs.” The words barely made it out of her mouth before she was sobbing into Jason’s chest.
You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
By May, Jason had her eating again, normally eating every day. He helped her rediscover her love of music. She started writing, singing, and he finally convinced her to perform at a Mexican restaurant’s open mic night.
Her hair was short now; she had to get it done after her father had done a lot of damage to the locks.
Jason told her the new look made her look even better than before.
Open mic night was a success at first. She sang her heart out, gave it all she had.
The diners gave her a standing ovation. Jason was proud.
Her father had been there though, and she didn’t know that until she got home an hour past her curfew. He hadn’t liked the show, the song, especially hated the way she’d danced on stage and what she wore. He took the entire night reminding her of her curfew, her place, her worth.
He was drunk – he was always drunk. Jason took the entire next day telling Tinkerbell that that wasn’t an excuse.
For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Never had a love
